Blue Valentine

So this is the weirdly intense relationship movie that the whole world was abuzz about last year.  I meant to see it in theaters a million times, but everyone said that they simply would not, for they were not in the mood to be punched in the gut.  So I saved it for a mopey night at 11pm, when I would be so gut-wrenched by watching a strong, realistic relationship slowly devolve, so I could just fucking cry my eyes out and then fall asleep and feel better.

And the result?  Frankly, this film was not sad enough. 

 Look at all this Things-Not-Being-Too-Shabby

It's a perfectly fine movie, but the hype about how traumatizing it would be is certainly overblown.  That being said, actually, it's more than a fine movie.  It's pretty damn good, and lots of things work in its favor.  

First, the blurry way it is framed and the way the color blue dominates the scheme is super-duper evocative and make the whole experience draining, sad and cold.  And might I add, the trailer is one of my favorite ones I've seen.  It perfectly encapsulates everything you need to know about the movie without telling you any of the details.  Also, Ryan Gosling's voice is so cute and nerdy, and the high-five at the end is the pinnacle of romance for me.  

The movie shifts back and forth between Dean and Cindy meeting and falling in love, and their grown-up lives with their little girl Frankie and their relationship slowly falling apart.  The general consensus on this film is that this is what real, non-movie relationships feel like.  But I think the reason Dean and Cindy are so relatable is because these two characters base their conception of what love is supposed to be on film.  It's a little meta- and jarring in that way, because going to the theater with an idea of what movie-love is like, and seeing two realistic characters foolishly pursuing that.

If you know me, you know I don't like sparkles and excitement love, cinematic love.  I mean, I like it when Jimmy Stewart is doing it to Jean Arthur or something, but that's just in a silly-heart-flutter-y way, the same way I like bad horror movies and candy corn.  I have huge problems with the sense of fluttery romanticism that is so entrenched in our movies.  So maybe that is why it didn't slap me in the face.  I don't relate to this relationship because I think it's foolish to use an ethereal concept of love that you extracted from your body's reaction to being sexually attracted to someone, and to use that as a brace for building a relationship on, and consistently fall back on it in the face of all the hard fucking work that it takes to make two disparate people compatible.  Because it's a weak fucking brace, and the strong brace is the actual work and patience in day to day life.  Suffice to say, being able to make coffee in the morning next to someone every day without wanting to punch them in the face is the most romantic thing ever.  "I don't want to punch you in the face" = vows.  

I was watching Ryan Gosling's interview on this movie, and it was so sweet.  He was talking about how he hoped this movie would cause people to wake up, to see that love is not enough, to understand that there is struggle and hopefully help people avoid this with their loved ones.  Isn't Ryan Gosling sweet?  Ryan Gosling is very sweet.  

I care, you guys.

Anyway, whatever this movie leaves you thinking about love and past relationships with, it's still a really good film.  It's very organic feeling, and the acting is some of the most realistic and dirty I've seen in awhile.  There are no bells or flourishes to make the characters seem more pretty or cinematic, they are just real people to the full extent.  Both Dean and Cindy are flawed - Dean's just sort of an idealistic dummy who doesn't know what it means to work on things, and Cindy is a tired and overworked woman who is selfishly angry at herself and Dean for letting them devolve out of the idealized and happy love.  There is one scene where Cindy tells Dean "I don't know what to do.  We're not good for each other, and I don't know how to stop".  I loved that, and I guess I do relate to that, to that point in the relationship where you keep telling yourself to be nicer, to be better, but if you are in a relationship where you are an angry cunt to them all the time...that doesn't just go away easily.  Not me, though.  I'm a very nice lady, yessiree.

 

This movie is sweet, sincere, well-acted and really well-written.  It did not rip my heart and stomp on it but it may yours, dependent on how idealistically you view your romances.  If you are a cynical bitch, you may just end up saying "oh, those suckers had it coming".  But nonetheless, see it for nothing else than the acting.  In Ebert's review (he's so smart, you guys), he said "It is easier for an actor to play the same character at 24 and 60 than at 24 and 30."  I think that's paramount to why the acting is so great.  The *weight* of the past six years is felt in the later scenes of the movies.  In the flash-backs, they look different.  They may be occasionally snarky or skeptical, but they are lighter and happier and prettier.  In the later scenes, they are worn and tattered, and it just manifests in their appearance and mannerisms, even though the differences are slighter.  I hate that Gosling wasn't even nominated, and I hate, hate, hate that Michelle Williams lost to Natalie Portman is Black Swan.  That movie was comically bad b-movie acting and yeah, it was neat and fun and there was some weird lesbian sex, but Michelle Williams was extraordinary and evocative and realistic and smart.

Also, she is a total fucking babe.

I think Gosling and Williams are going to be remembered as great/iconic actors.  They both have done their time in indie movies and have been breaking out into Oscar-caliber material, Gosling with Ides of March and Drive (although he won't win for Drive, because it's essentially a nice version of Javier Barden's Anton Chigurh from No Country For Old Men), and Williams playing Monroe in My Week With Marilyn.  I'm hoping for Gosling to get something, because Ides and Drive were both fantastic.  Williams better get a fucking "Sorry-About-The-Blue-Valentine-Loss" Oscar for playing Marilyn.  If a biopic doesn't win her that, I'm boycotting the Academy Awards forever (No, I'm not).

Olives & Gin!

We begin the Salsa Crusade with Olives and Gin, Nancy's drink of choice as of lately. 

The ingredient list reads : White vinegar, Tomato, Jalapeno pepper, Onion, Black olives, Green olives, White sugar, Gin, Garlic, Canola oil, Parsley, Xanthum gum, Salt, Red pepper, Cumin, Cilantro.  

I bought it to have as an appetizer to my mushroom soup, and had it with Guiltless Gourmet Blue Corn Chips.  Now that you know all the details, let's review.

Appearance – Brown and murky, and it looks thick and saucy. You can distinguish different vegetables, which is definitely a plus, but there is this backbone of pale, tan goop that is distracting.  This salsa uses xanthum gum, which makes it a little thicker.  Appearance wise, I think that works against it.  It gets a 2.1/5 

Smell – It had a lovely tang to it, which I really appreciated.  I could not smell any juniper though, which I really, really wanted.  However, the smell was nice, olive-y and sour, but still very fresh-smelling.  The appetizing smell more than made up for the murky appearance.  4/5

Alcohol – Well, this is difficult to gauge.  No, I did not taste gin.  But there was a strong undercurrent of almost implacable flavor.  It had a sour-y essence without being necessarily “sour” and a hint of sweetness without being sweet.  The first ingredient listed is plain ol’ white vinegar, so my guess is that the addition of vinegar to the classic brine-and-gin combination brings out a lovely base flavor that highlights the salsa.  The sugar highlighted a natural sweetness in the gin; I can’t believe I don’t put gin in more of my cupcakes.  So, anyway, no, I did not get a huge kick of the alcoholic flavor.  But there was definitely something *there*, which can be attributed to the gin.  Still, I would have loved to know I was consuming alcoholic based on the flavor and not my previous understanding.  So, it is downgraded to 3.5/5.

 I would like more of this.  All of the time, but also, in this salsa.

Flavor – It was a really good salsa, guys.  It was a really fucking yummy salsa.   The chunks of vegetables and olives had their own distinct flavors – the black and the green olives didn’t just mesh together into one taste, but maintained their individual shape and flavors.  I cannot believe I have not found a salsa before this that includes green olives, but it is an absolute revelation.  All the flavors worked lovely together.  4.5/5

Heat – This was probably a perfect heat for a salsa.  I also really love that the jalapeno peppers maintained individual chunks, as opposed to being pulverized like garlic.  I knew when I was biting into a particularly spicy bite.  And it was lovely that the spice build – every bite you got something sweet and brine-y and sour in the beginning, with a lot of full flavors, but it followed by very spicy kick.  The spice gave you time to enjoy the other flavors, which were powerful enough to rival the heat, but it was still hella spicy.  All of this may sound disgusting, but it all worked together perfectly.  5/5

Overall experience - Yowza, what a fucking good salsa.  The Boozy Salsa crusade started off with a kick.  Honestly, there was nothing wrong with my salsa experience.  I could have eaten this salsa for hours.  The appearance stopped bothering me pretty quick.  5/5 for overall experience. 

With a 3.6 of average components (damn you, appearance and lack of juniper flavor!), and an overall experience of 8, that brings the rating up to 8.6.  Whoa.  If this was pizza, it would be the best pizza in Portland.  Let's see how the other salsas measure up.  Clearly, you are on the edge of your seat about this.

 

A New Challenge!

Sometimes I am a very focused and determined lady.  Yesterday I walked twenty minutes to Micucci's and sat for thirty more waiting for the famed Sicilian Slab, slapping down $4.75 of my hard-earned cash for *you*, dear (imaginary) reader, and for the nobility of the pizza crusade.  Sometimes, I take nothing more seriously than pizza.  Sometimes, though, I get distracted by salsa, and start a whole 'nother crusade on the side.  I'm unpredictable!

 "I'm shocked!" - You

Okay, but in the Public Market House, I noticed on the way back shelves a small little label that said "Olives and Gin".  Being a bit of a lush, I am naturally attracted to those words.  I reached back and pulled back a mysterious and marvelous jar (Okay, I knew right away it was salsa, but the mystery adds to the whole shebang of the thing), and read a delightful little sea shanty on the side.  

The very same day that the ship first set sail,

Old Pegleg the cook spilled his tankard of ail.

It dropped in the salsa that brewed on the hob

"Alas!" Pegleg cried, "there goes me job!"

"Perhaps I can save it".  He dipped in his spoon.

The taste was sublime - Pegleg fell in a swoon.

Recovering quick, he filled up a jar.

"This is worth more than gold," mused the old salty tar.

Pegleg ran to the fore deck, brandishing chips,

crying, "Mateys, ahoy, let this snack touch your lips."

The captain was smitten and dug in with such zeal

he forgot his sworn duty and took his hands from the wheel...

So yeah, they all died.  But the important thing that this shanty was communicating to me was the fact that I held in my hand a brand devoted entirely to boozy salsa, aka devoted entirely towards making my life better.

Here is their website:  http://stores.homestead.com/shipwreckgalley/StoreFront.bok  The old man singing My New All-Time Favorite Shanty is actually rather annoying, so try to pause him as quickly as you can.

Anyway, I'm hilariously making a big hubbabaloo, but to say it with brevity, this is a neat thing.  There are six flavors : Black Bean and Beer, Black Pepper and Ale, Cherry and Brandy, Chipotle and Tequila, Olives and Gin, and Peach and Schnapps.  I am super looking forward to the black pepper with ale, the cherries and brandy, and the olives and gin.

 They are adorable and I love them!

In my reviews (haha, did you not think I would do very serious, detailed reviews?  Obviously, I'll be doing some reviews), I will follows the same rating structure as the pizza crusade.  Meaning that, there will be five individual components rated on 1-5 scale, and then are averaged together and added to an overall experience, which is rated on a 1-5 scale.    There are only six, so this obsession will die down pretty quickly.  As opposed to pizza, which will go on....forever.

Young Mr. Lincoln: Legal Drama #7

What a silly fucking movie.  

This movie is Criterion Collection-ed and all, starring Henry Fonda (a good sign) and directed by John Ford (who also directed Stagecoach, The Grapes of Wrath *and* an earlier, very awesome legal drama, The Man Who Shot Liberty Vallance).  To be frank, I was expected a movie, a classic movie, full of guts and gusto and pomp and fury and all of that passion that accompanies our American classics.  What I got was a silly, froofy little movie that made me think weird things about Abraham Lincoln.

 Every one of the Google Image results for this movie cracks me up.

I suppose a plot synopsis is in order.  Le sigh, fine.  So, Abe Lincoln’s girlfriend-thing dies, and Lincoln gets his hand on a law book and studies law now because of it, and travels to Springfield on a fucking mule and sets up a little law practice, and uses a murder in a brawl as his first case, and commands angry crowds with his oratory about how we can’t hang them right now, they need a fair trial.  He then stuffs a jury with drunks and prances around the courtroom making jokes until he finally decides that the moonlight wasn’t bright enough for the eyewitness account to be considered substantial evidence, and he then tricks the eyewitness into admitting he did it through some sort of logic (although, it is just as equally plausible that there was no logic at all).  Also, there is this really hilarious scene where Abe eats some pie for like a million hours.  Guys, this movie is ridiculous.

 "Sir, I am just making sure you are drunk enough to serve on my jury"

My expectations were so high.  I expected this movie to play to my heartstrings, not to bore me and make me squeal “This is ridiculous!” out loud several times.  This is a real Meet Me In St. Louis, another “classic” that is just too inane and annoying to take even remotely seriously.  I mean, Abraham Lincoln’s whole case is that he makes fun of people on the stand.  At one point, he tricks someone into calling himself a horse’s ass, and is basically “Yup.  I rest my case.  That man is a horse’ass”.  Henry Fonda plays him as cheeky, rebellious and smarmy, feet on the table and all.  It makes you say “Wow.  I guess Abe Lincoln was kind of a jerk?”  

 This is the scene where Abe Lincoln decides he wants to be a lawyer atop a hilltop in a thunderstorm and it cracks me up so very very much.

Nancy Is A Lawyer?

Ha.  This movie uses law only as a prop for a character.  It doesn’t make me think anything about              the legal profession at all.   The judge giggles while Abe Lincoln gets drunkards on the stand.  This movie is essentially a movie about what people in the 1940s thought about people from the 1830s, and from that perspective, yeah it’s kind of interesting.  The 1940s thought the 1830s were filled with a bunch of dummies.  All of the actions – exaltations, shouts, laughs – were highlighted and over-acted.  I can’t believe the judge just giggled when Lincoln called him a horse’s ass?  I guess this film made me want to be a lawyer, because it made me wanna smack my gavel down and yell at Abraham Lincoln.  That’s what being a lawyer means, right?

 Yup.  That's all that being a lawyer means.

Kramer Vs. Kramer: Legal Drama #6

This movie is not a movie about Michael Richard’s schizophrenia.  By definition, that means it is a poor film.  But putting that distinction aside, Kramer Vs. Kramer is a really good movie.

                                                          I'm skeptical, but continue.   

Immediately, the film shows and doesn’t tell the roles of the characters, very briefly but very strongly.  I was impressed with how quickly I knew the two well-rounded protagonists, Ted and Joanna.  Joanna is a liberal young woman who understandably wants something “more” than just family, and Ted’s a relatively good guy, but bogged down by work and doesn’t spend time on his family because that’s a woman’s role.  All of this is clear in the first five minutes, but I was amazed at how easily it established these archetypes without pandering to the audience.

The movie really shines in watching the dynamic grow between Ted and his son, after Joanna leaves them.  I reached a conclusion some time ago that Dustin Hoffman is my favorite actor.  His range is amazing, his acting is so naturalistic, and he just genuinely seems like a smart, well-rounded guy.  On top of that, young Dustin Hoffman is so incredibly handsome.  A lot of the conversations between Ted and Billy were improvised.  It feels so naturally; Billy will be telling a story and Ted will ask a question, not because he needs to know but because he’s talking to his son.  His comments never sound condescending, or like he’s just humoring the kid; he treats his son like an actual person while talking to Billy about things that Billy wants to talk about.  What I am trying to say is, I have concluded that Dustin Hoffman is probably a pretty good dad in real life. 

                                                          And!  Look at how handsome he is!

Similarly, the kid who plays Billy, Justin Henry, is a kickass little actor.  He doesn’t seem over-intelligent, but on the other hand, his role isn’t dumbed-down at all.  One time, in high school, I wrote my best friend into a play and had his act the part.  Repeatedly, I had to tell him to just be himself, but he stressed out about how his character would act.  I would say “Just be you.  I just need you to be you.  Your motivations in this scene are *your* motivations.  I don’t know what those are, I just know the sort of things that you say”.  Obviously, that is the hardest thing in the world to do.  Anyway, I bring that up just because it is easy enough to say that Justin was just acting like himself, an eight-year old kid.  But it takes a lot of grace to just be yourself, and say scripted lines, and be in scripted scenarios.  Most people don’t really know themselves, or how they act, or what to do.  I’m wicked impressed that this little kid did.

The legal drama does not surface until the relationship between Ted and Justin is established, and then you begin watching heart-breaking character assassinations on Joanna and Ted as they battle for custody.  What I love is you see the mutual love and respect that Ted and Joanna have for each other come through, even though their relationship did not work.  Both feel little animosity towards each other, as they go through the motions of the legal system which necessitates manipulation and hostility.  They are above it, and they feel none towards each other, while they go through this incredibly difficult thing.  It’s nice  to see human beings go past being petty, even when the circumstances really bring it out. 

I mean, this movie is about being a good parent.  It’s one of the only films I’ve ever seen that really illustrates, in a real, day-to-day way, what being a good parent means.  The only other good parent movie I’ve seen is Life Is Beautiful, which may seem strange to bring up.  But watching both, the motivations for the characters come exclusively from love for the child, whether that love is confused or not.  Anyway.  Kramer Vs. Kramer is a really good movie.

Nancy Is A Lawyer?

First of all, this film reminded  me how much bullshit, meetings and dinners and schmaltzing       goes into the legal profession.  I mean, I work for non-profits, and there’s a lot of that there too,   so I’m used to it.  But doing this ontop of all of the strenuous paperwork, studying and research        that it takes to build a strong case seems impossible while also living your life.

Furthermore, dutifully doing your job is one thing, but dutifully doing your job while occasionally dealing with stressful human emotions is another thing, AND dutifully doing your job while occasionally dealing with stressful human emotionas and being unsure about whether or not you are pitching for the right team is a completely ‘nother thing.  You can really see the side of both Ted and Joanna, and the emotional/verbal/linguistic manipulation the lawyers dance with  is demeaning to the honest-to-god truth of the matter.  For example, Billy fell off the playground in one scene.  He got some stitches.  No biggie.  Shit happens.  Joanna’s lawyer says “Isn’t it true that you were not paying attention during your son’s accident, which left him permanently disfigured?”.  That’s true.  Ted was talking to a fellow parent.  And Billy is permanently disfigured.  But who would honestly expect a parent’s eyes to be on their kid 100% of the time?    And sometimes kids fall down and get stitches, and yeah, technically they are disfigured, but it’s not like Billy has two noses.

What I am trying to say, and not doing well, is that the complexity of truth, of who is right or wrong,  is not something that we can nail down.  Life is messy and complicated.  Justice isn’t an  abstract concept, it’s something that we make up.  And yeah, we have to do it, and we have to keep trying.  But the density of the experience of humans, of families, of relationships, transcends the silly model we built on top of it.  So, it is one thing when we are discussing tax litigation…that’s a wee bit less foggy.  But 99% of the shit that humans come up with is foggy, and 99% of the time people are profoundly emotionally involved in all their foggy bullshit.  I get that we need justice, but rather than involve myself in this raucous and ridiculous pile of confliction, I could just….not get involved? 

Being a lawyer would get me engaged with illogical people (myself included)and force me to treat them logically.  I guess what I wondering is if I am cold and mean enough to do that.  I could be.  Most people are dummies, and I don’t really mind handing a logical system to them and saying “Look, I know you’re sad, but these are the facts and you have to deal with them”.  But it’s probably better to be warm and kind to people, in the long run.  But I am having a Kirk day.  Ask me on my next Spock day, and I will see how cold I am feeling.

Micucci's!

The Sicilian Slice!  Apparently, this is a really big fucking deal.  I’ve heard from three different people that there is no point in eating any other pizza than this in Portland.  You have to go at certain points of the day or else they won’t make it, there is usually a line, blah blah blah.  I went at 3:00 on a Saturday and there was a sign that said “Sicilian slices in 30 minutes”, which is just a ridiculous amount of pomp and circumstance for a slice of pizza.  The wall had a detailed list of “What makes our pizza so good?” and had notes written by people from Chicago and New York, along the lines of “I live in Pizzaville, USA, but this is the best pizza I’ve ever had!” and all the five-star reviews and headlines declaring never has there ever been a greater pizza plastered the walls.  So, I had some stuff to look at for a half an hour.

Smell : Well, I had time to get accustomed to it.  Micucci’s, like Pie In The Sky, is a bakery that prides itself on it’s pizza sauce.  But it’s also located in a Italian grocer, so clearly, they know something about good pizza.  But the smell that permeated the sitting area was more yeasty and bready than saucy and pizzay.  So, it only gets 3/5

Appearance : I thought it rocked.  I sent a picture of it to my friend and he replied “Ew”, so there’s that.  It basically looks like someone baked  a huge fucking slab of dough, and a child threw sauce and cheese at it.  But in a good way.  It’s going to lose half a point before of the “ew” and it’s going to lose another full point because yes, it looked yummy, but it did not look like pizza.  3.5/5

Cheese: Yes!  Perfect cheese.  This was the perfect cheese.  Here are all of the reasons that this cheese is the perfect cheese.  1) It was 100% mozzarella, so it had a lovely stringiness.  2) It was browned an exactly perfectly geometrically and aesthetically pleasing amount.  3) It did not cover the entire pizza, so the other flavors were allowed to shine as well.  4) The taste was perfect and moist and lovely.  Can I give it more than five?  If I could give it more than 5, I would give it more than 5.  5/5

Crust:  Rich and earthy and soft.  The flavor was amazing, but there was no way in hell that I could pick up this pizza.  First, it was huge, but secondly, the crust was too thick and soft to even begin thinking about it.  It was delicious crust, but it loses a point based on the fact that I couldn’t pick it up.  Pizza is something that needs to be picked up.  4/5

Sauce: Really yummy, tomato-y and fresh.  However, if you read this blog (which you probably don’t), you know that I like a nice, dense, spicy, oregano-y, lush sauce.  When you inch too closely to marinara…which this sauce *courted*, but did not reach..then you lose a point.  So I am going to give it 4.3 for sauce.

Overall experience:  Okay, even though I made fun of it before, the atmosphere really did add to it.  I really felt like I was in for an experience, and it was.  You anxiously sat next to a series of wooden shelves holding up fresh-baked bread, waiting to see the Sicilian slices being loaded up on the bottom shelf.  There was lots of oregano to put on top, and only two wirey tables, which made it feel like you were special in getting to sit down and eat pizza.  4/5.

Okay, an average of the individual components brings us to 8.1.  Just sneaking by Pizza Joint’s 7.9, but still shy of our frontrunner, Portland Pie Company, and their glorious 8.4.  This is getting exciting, you guys!