Samuel's!

…oh no….Sam’s….   Okay, Sam’s is a sports bar directly across from my office on upper Forest Ave.  I frequent.  Two-for-one pizza specials on Monday night, half-off wings Tuesdays and Thursdays and $2 pint specials of either Gearys, Samuel Adams or Blue Moon.  What more could a lady ask for?  Nothing.  There is nothing more that a lady could ask for.  Also, the bartender’s name is Meg and she might be one of the best I’ve ever had.  So.  Keep all that in mind while I bash Samuel’s pizza in this review.  I still want you all to go there all the time and eat drunk pizza.  But…for science’s sake…here we go…

Smell : I had to stick it right up to my nose in order to get the full experience.  It didn’t … not smell like pizza.  2/5

Appearance : When it came to the table, we said “Now that looks like pizza!”  A nice, even cheese distribution, browned accordingly.  Now, there were no cheese bubbles and an undercooked looking crust, but still.  It definitely did make us scream “What a pizza!”  I should probably give pizzas that I enjoy after an eight-hour work day with no lunch break that is primarily physical a little disadvantage, but eh.  Damn that pizza looked good.  4/5

Cheese: Almost perfect.  A little salty, but heavy.  They did not skimp, it was primarily mozzarella, and it had that nice stringiness.  I’m going to take a half point away for the heavy saltiness, and a half point away for the floppiness.  4/5

Crust:  Uh-oh.  It tasted like Ellio’s.  There was no heart in that crust.  None at all.  Frankly, I would not be surprised if it came from a freezer.  A sort of bland, overly sweet, doughy taste.  It was a taste that made me disappointed in pizza in general.  I award the crust no points, and may God have mercy on it’s soul.

Sauce: Not enough?  Unnoticeable?  Subpar?  I have zero to say about this sauce.  It was really not there at all, and nothing about it made me come back.  1/5

Overall experience: Oh my god, guys, I love Samuels.  It has been my best friend after many-a hard night canvassing.  And!  I would like to give a shout-out (I basically live in 1997) to their buffalo chicken pizza, with blue cheese as the sauce, and buffalo sauce, and theoretically chicken, unless you order the Nancy-style “Buffalo chicken without the chicken” pizza.  It’s stellar.  Saucy, cheesy, spicy and just such a magnificent combination of flavors.   And Samuel’s itself is cheap, great for bar food, good atmosphere, great bartender…all of this adds to general pizza experience.  And two for one pizza Mondays!  I’m going to give this pizza experience a solid 3.1.

So, a lackluster pizza that was really only good because there was lots of cheese on it and cheese is the best, gets an 2.3 out of 5 in average.  But atmosphere, price and style brings it up to 5.4.  For what it is, I cannot not give it props.  It’s certainly far from the running of the best pizza in Portland.  But in that environment, hungry, and with enough beer…I can manage.

Blah, look. Bad pizza = bad sex.  Or a bad movie about killer crocodiles.  You are still like “Hey….pizza....awesome, amiright?”.  I’m right.  Eat at Sam’s.